The Peasley Bug Family Blog : It's All Icing on the Cake

It's a rainy afternoon and both of my boys are sleeping. Zzzzz. Ahh, the peacefulness! Tomorrow marks the 13 year anniversary of my accident and what was one of the most pivotal and difficult days of my life. For many years I have dreaded July 6th and have spent it mourning for a great friend and human being, but I would like to move forward spending this day celebrating all of the blessings I have to celebrate. First some history...

Stewart and I met when we were sophomores in high school. We were both in several Pre-AP/AP classes and in a smaller school, that meant we had lots of our classes together. We were both members of the Mighty Purple Pride marching band and were involved in many of the same clubs. We were the very best of friends. During our senior year of high school we both applied to the University of Texas at Austin, and we were both accepted, but he didn't get into their School of Architecture. He ended up deciding to go to Texas Tech, so he could immediately begin working on his architecture degree. By the time all of this happened, it was too late for me to get into Tech, so I stayed home my first year of college and attended Brazosport Community College. It was a good decision for lots of reasons, and I enjoyed my time while keeping very busy. We missed each other terribly, but we kept in frequent communication until I transferred to Texas Tech the following year.

We both loved Texas Tech. Sometimes I wonder if Stewart didn't come into my life, partly to get me to Tech. I definitely wouldn't have considered a school that far away and in the middle of nowhere, but he talked about it so much that I fell in love with the school vicariously through his stories. Once I visited the campus with my Mom, I was sold. :) Our time together at Tech was awesome. We both marched as members of the Goin' Band From Raiderland, we worked at the student computer center in the library, played intramural softball, and just had a wonderful, fun-filled time while working hard on our studies. I spent many hours in the architecture building, and he spent many hours in the biology building. After we finished up the summer session following our junior year of college, we headed home to Angleton to visit our families over the fourth of July holiday break.

On July 6th, 2001, we headed out bright and early in the morning ready to return to Tech. After we said our good-byes to his family and mine, we decided to make the relatively short drive to one of our favorite places in the world - the jetty park down at Surfside Beach. We drove down to the beach and spent just a short while before getting on the road to head home. About 5 minutes after we left the beach, I asked him if he would mind if I called my family to come meet us in Lake Jackson to have lunch together "one last time." I called and they came and met us, and we had a lovely lunch at Chickfila. After that, we headed out for the 10 hour trip back to Lubbock.

After a few hours of driving we stopped at a gas station near Fort Hood. Stewart got two of his favorite treats - a Zero Bar and a Big Red. I remember getting a bottle of water and a pack of M&Ms. This in hindsight was a very bad idea as Stewart suffered from hypoglycemia. Shortly after getting back on the road, I remember becoming extremely tired to the point where I couldn't keep my eyes open. It was very strange as I typically didn't sleep in the car. Stewart had previously fallen asleep driving at least once with his Dad, so I tried to make sure I was always awake when he was driving. I asked him if he felt okay driving and if he minded me taking a short nap. He said he felt fine, so I got my pillow from behind my seat of his S-10 pick-up (the green stallion as we called it). I remember my cat Princess crawling up front on my lap, but then after a few minutes she walked back into her cat carrier that we had sitting on top of some luggage. I told Stewart I loved him, he told me he loved me, we held hands, and I fell asleep.

About two and a half hours later, I awoke to what I would imagine hell would be like. I was completely disoriented and had no clue what was going on. Due to my concussion, I couldn't see anything but blackness, I couldn't move, I felt intense heat, I heard crackling, and I could smell a strong fire burning smell. What I didn't know until later was that our truck had driven off the road and hit the side of a dry river embankment down below. The truck immediately caught on fire, and from what I was told later, the fire spread quickly in the grass as it was a very dry summer day in west Texas. Not only did I have no idea what was going on, but I was trapped by the dashboard that was lodged into my leg. God put together a dream team to somehow rescue me - a registered nurse, fire fighter, paramedic, and a Fed Ex driver. I'm not sure how close I was to burning alive, but I have a feeling it was probably within a couple of minutes as I suffered a third-degree burn on my foot. Stewart passed away instantly, and I was rushed by ambulance to a hospital in Abilene. I don't know if Stewart fell asleep or if his sugar levels had dropped to the point of him falling unconscious. Either way, in just a few moments, everything had changed.

I was in and out of consciousness throughout my rescue and during the initial stay in the emergency room. I wish these memories would just go away. One of the more positive memories was when I was laid down in the grass, and I guess we were waiting for the ambulance to arrive. A very kind lady was crying, and she asked me if she could hold my hand and pray for me. I said yes please, and then I remember drifting back off as she started to pray aloud. In all of the chaos, pain and terror, her prayer provided comfort.

I'll skip all of the fun hospital stuff, but after it was all said and done, it turns out I had broken both ankles, my left knee, left elbow, and my neck (C1-C2 odontoid process fracture). I had a third degree burn on my foot, glass cuts literally from the bottom of my feet to my forehead, a seatbelt burn, a concussion, and internal bruising. Worst of all, my heart was completely broken. My high school sweetheart and best friend, my sweet cat Princess, and in a sense, my innocence, were gone.

Fast forward a year or so...I ended up having another 3 surgeries on my knee and ankles, and one more on my neck. It took about a year to physically get to my new normal. I was amazingly blessed. I remember when I was in the hospital having a hard time keeping it together and my physical therapist brought me a video to watch about Christopher Reeves. He reminded me that Christopher Reeves suffered the same type of cervical neck injury as I had...only he never walked again. It made an impact. As I made it past the major physical healing, I had a lot of emotional healing to do. I was really torn because I felt so fortunate and blessed to have survived and with virtually no lasting issues, and yet I had a very bad case of survivor's guilt. Stewart was quite possibly one of the kindest, nicest, most positive people in the world. He always saw the positive in every situation, and he was willing to lend a hand to anyone, anywhere, anytime. I was so frustrated with myself. Why had I fallen asleep? Why did I sleep so long? Why did I take my cat with us on the trip? Why did I not stop him from eating the candy bar? Why didn't I drive that day? After the fact, I thought of so many things I wished I had done differently. I spent so many hours trying to figure out why I was spared, and why he wasn't. I know people mean well, and when they see someone hurting, they try to find the words to help, but one thing I heard over and over again was "God has a plan for you." I understand the intent of those words is to help, but when you have lost someone you adore and you think the world of, those words made me angry. God didn't have a plan for him? That just didn't make any sense to me. Anyway, it was a good lesson because I would never say that to someone. That also led me to question...if I was spared, what great thing was I supposed to do to make my life worth sparing? So many questions and so few answers.

Nearly two years after my accident, I met Devon. It wasn't long before he knew about my history. It wasn't easy to hide. Two years out I still had a lot of physical and emotional pain. I suffered from a lot of neck pain, headaches, and my ankles were often still quite swollen. I also cried...a lot. Somehow he was able to look past all of this. He knew my heart hurt, and he knew I still loved Stewart. When someone suddenly dies, you don't just stop loving them. He took everything in stride. He's spent hours and hours rubbing my neck and legs. He has fully supported me on my search for pain relief - massage therapy, physical therapy, acupuncture, TENS units, the PERFECT pillow :), etc. He's never once made me feel bad about crying or mourning. I'm not sure that I could have been as accommodating and understanding as he has been if our situations were reversed. I told Devon I wanted to write this blog and asked him to read it before I posted it. He did so with no resentment - just an open mind and open heart. I'm grateful that he loves me and somehow he seems to understand.

For many years I hurt. I kept thinking the heartache would go away....after I started dating again...after I got married...after I had children...after enough years passed, but somehow the hurt was still there. It's not like these topics were always on my mind, but they seemed so close to the surface. Out of nowhere, I would hear a song or see something that would remind me, and then a wave of memories would come over me. It's a very different kind of hurt and is now so much more manageable, but it's still there. I'm not sure why no one ever suggested counseling for me after my accident. I didn't think about either. Even as a current counselor, I kind of wonder how much it would have even helped. Probably the most helpful thing (in addition to lots of praying, kind friends, a loving family, and ongoing blessings), was completing my counseling degree. When you work on a counseling degree, they have students do all kinds of activities to try to unbury any sort of issues they have within them as it would not be good for those issues to surface when working with a client. I knew one of my biggest issues was that I still was not over my accident. In one of my self-reflection papers, I wrote to one of my professors explaining my frustration that even though I had everything to be happy about, I was happily married and in love, I had a beautiful, healthy son, etc., this hurt was still there and not very far from the surface. I wanted to know when the pain would go away!! She wrote back that the pain would always be there. The pain was not going to go away, but that over time I would continue to find ways to carry it and that it would get easier and easier. I needed to hear that so bad! Here I was trying to find ways to make it just go away, and she was so very right. The pain was here to stay, but it would get easier and easier, and it most definitely has. I just wanted to share that in case someone else has a hurt that just won't seem to disappear.

I still feel Stewart's presence, and I know he is looking after me and my family. So many things remind me of him - sailboats, trains, "sunny days," various songs, Ro Tel tomatoes, Nascar, hotwheels, saxophones, skyscrapers, and so on. At least once a year I visit the cemetery where he is buried. The last time I was there, I asked for him to please send me a sign that he knew I was there. About a minute later, fire ants started climbing all over my legs. For anyone who knows anything about fire ants, they know they don't just walk on you without stinging. None of them stung me. I couldn't help but laugh. My undergraduate research and master's degree were based on fire ant research. Actually the night before our accident, we dug up several mounds of fire ants to return to the lab. That also meant the bed of his truck was full of buckets of fire ants...not good. I appreciated the sign, but next time I hope he steers clear of fire ants. :)

It's been 13 years. From the bad accident have come so many blessings. I have met so many wonderful people - from the accident itself, in the hospital, massage therapists, doctors, nurses, etc. My friends and family couldn't have done more to help me. My sweet Mom came and lived with me as I recovered in the hospital and would sneak me out of my room at night for "midnight strolls." She made sure I got the help and care I needed and loved me like only a Mom can do. She stayed remarkably strong. I don't know all of the details, but my sister Sara sacrificed in many ways as well. While not a nurse by trade, she has a servant's heart and would make a great nurse. My Dad tried in every way to cheer me up, and my brother was able to get an autographed poster from The Calling as he knew their hit song "Wherever You Will Go" meant so much to me. Many of the details during my recovery are a blur, but I know my whole family was affected. Now as a parent, I can't imagine what pain I put my parents through, nor can I imagine the pain Stewart's parents felt.

My college roomie, Jenn, was willing to move out of our apartment back into the dorms at Tech into a handicap room. That's love! At the time I was working as an undergraduate researcher in a biology lab, and my professor, Dr. Deslippe, spent many hours trying to help me make sense of everything. The biology department at Tech and the HHMI undergraduate research group welcomed me back with open arms. While I was still in the hospital, my occupational therapist took me on an outing one afternoon to Tech to help me figure out what obstacles there would be, and so we could practice using the elevator, handicap restroom, etc. I got to visit one of my favorite professors, Dr. San Francisco. I was in a wheelchair with a catheter and bag hanging from the side, no shoes on because the burn on my foot wouldn't allow it, a partially shaved head (yea for halos!!), one of my legs extended straight out because I couldn't bend my broken knee, and a neck brace. He just smiled and said, "You look great!!!." :) I know I probably looked like a nightmare on wheels, but he didn't let me know it. My friend Becca was super supportive and tried to keep me laughing. She would take me on "field trips" to the park as I learned to walk again and regained my strength. My friend Nick would send me music and would keep me company when I couldn't sleep at night. My first massage therapist, Melody, spent many hours helping me deal with chronic neck pain and through her therapy I was able to get off my various pain meds and muscle relaxers. Rick and Jean, two of my heroes (and rescuers) stayed in contact with me after the accident and came to my wedding and college graduation. Strangers from Abilene prayed and others brought and sent gifts and flowers...the list of wonderful people goes on and on.

I was able to have a short stint in a wheelchair which was very enlightening. (I did get stuck in some holes on the Texas Tech campus and had to be rescued by strangers :). Go Tech!). I feel like I am a better counselor because of this experience. Everybody's experience is different, but I know there is no pain worse than heartache, and hopefully my experience helps me be a little more empathetic and understanding about grief and loss. I also think though I often forget how fortunate I am, that my accident helps me keep perspective on what truly counts as a "bad day." I think I have a developed a little more sense of urgency regarding lots of things because I know things can unexpectedly change at anytime. I don't spend each day waiting for a surprise, but I know they can happen.

And so from here on out, I would like to celebrate July 6th as a blessed day in my life. I know Stewart would want me to celebrate all of the wonderful things life has to offer. I could list a million things I am grateful for, but I am most grateful for my family, my ability to walk and be independent, and finding a calling that I love. I hope I live a very long time, but honestly I feel like everyday I live past my accident is just icing on the cake. I'm still trying to figure out exactly why I was spared, and I understand I'll probably never really know, but when I watch my two boys play and laugh and do all of the great things little boys do, I like to think that maybe my life was saved so these two little guys could grace this planet.